the hummingbird

when i was thinking about today’s blog, it dawned on me how personal this really is to me.
and how it completely belongs here.

so i guess i kind of lied yesterday.  sometimes, on the odd occasion, you may find a piece of my soul in here.
and i am ok with that.

when i was 17, i decided to get a tattoo.
i guess on the outside i was a typical teenager, wanting to express myself…wanting to find my place.

i was always so much deeper than anyone i knew.  i was an old soul.

i wasn’t going to just mark my body for something to do…it had to mean something to me.
and at that time…and to this day…the hummingbird has meant something to me.

back then, i was ill.
very ill.
the details are much too personal to post here, but it’s safe to say i was not well.
i think the worst part was, i just never told anyone that i was sick.
not my family, not my friends.
i kept it inside, and worried myself to death.

it was a dark time…add an illness – or i should say illnesses
plus the regular drama of teenage life.
i was a lost little girl.

when i looked at the hummingbird, it made me feel alive.
it was small, beautiful, it’s colours so very vibrant.
like me…
like i could be.

but i was dead inside.
black inside.
no colour, no life.

the tattoo represented who i was inside
somewhere in there, there was a healthy girl…alive…vibrant.
waiting ever so patiently to come out and shine.

one day, the inside would match the outside.

20 years have passed since then.
i’ve been plagued with other health issues, struggled through the worry.
3 surgeries later (2 were 4 weeks apart)
and 1 full year of follow ups…
and i am intact.
healthy as can bee 🙂

through the years, the hummingbird has faded, the colours have bled into themselves
and what once was a vision of beauty…became something old, worn and forgotten.

for years i have been talking about getting it touched up.
but there has never been time, or money…there’s always been something more important to do.
but i hated looking at that hummingbird in the mirror
because 20 years later, it looked exactly how my 17 year old self felt.

i was beyond that.
but there was my reminder…staring me in the face every single day.

last night i was gifted something so amazing, i haven’t the words to describe how i feel.
(the fact that YOU knew what this meant to me..that you actually heard what it meant to me, means more than the actual gift itself)

i was gifted with my tattoo.

my tattoo has been touched up and is even more beautiful than i can remember it ever being.

and i feel like i have come full circle.

my outsides match my insides now.

i am the hummingbird.  i am alive, healthy and vibrant and whole.
i am all that i prayed that i could be.

i was thinking about this in the car on the way home…
and i started to cry…without warning.
the tears were the realization, that i have indeed come full circle.

i was so dead inside, and that tattoo 20 years ago made me feel alive.

today…i’m alive.
the tattoo reflects everything…everything i was intended to be.
the healthy, happy, vibrant old soul standing in front of you.

i looked up the meaning of hummingbirds last night, and this couldn’t be more fitting:

In Native American culture, a hummingbird symbolizes timeless joy and the Nectar of Life. It’s a symbol for accomplishing that which seems impossible and will teach you how to find the miracle of joyful living from your own life circumstances.

i’d say that’s pretty much bang on.

Just so you get an idea of what they look like…

here is my tattoo friend prepping me lol:

and here is the before and after pic!

thank you my suprise gift giver.  i love you, you rock my socks!!

if you are in the Toronto area, and want to be inked…be sure to check out:

Phat Buddha
1769 Danforth Ave
Toronto, On
647-352-8818

phatbuddhatattoos@gmail.com

ask for Tyler – ’cause he rocks my socks too.

i know i will be going back again soon…i already know what i want!  i’ve been thinking about it for well over a decade, and tonight it came to me!

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6 thoughts on “the hummingbird

  1. jmjbookblog

    Oh, bee, that is so awesome! I’m so totally happy for you! The little hummer is absolutely vibrant and beautiful…just like YOU are! 🙂 I could clap my hands right now…that’s how excited I am that your wish came true…that’s because you care about others and it reflected back to you. 🙂 Best wishes on your new little hummingbird. I’ve always loved hummingbirds..they are so fragile yet so very strong with unlimited energy. 🙂 Just like you! 🙂 Did you ever read “Signals” by Joel Rothschild? It is a super amazing book…and it involves one special hummingbird.

    Reply
  2. "Susan Says..."

    Bee! Just as it broke my heart to read how low you felt back then, that is how elated I was to read of your feelings of joy today. The tattoo is beautiful….just like YOU. XO

    Reply
  3. ElizabethFrank123

    Bee, this is amazing! what a story. I’m so glad you shared this with us all. I’m also thinking of getting a tattoo, perhaps for my 18th, but I’m not entirely sure what I’d like yet

    Reply
    1. losing bee Post author

      how exciting…the first tattoo!!! any ideas at all? be forewarned Bess…it’s been ages since i had a tattoo…and now that i got this one touched up..i feel the itch. i want more!!!

      Reply

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