thinking thoughts

my mind is in over drive
i love it when i decide to blog when my brain is mental.
thought i’d give the blog next door a breather lol
 
my one year is coming up…it’s actually right around the corner
and i am not sure why this is making me feel anxious.
it shouldn’t…there is no need to feel anxious, or nervous etc…
but hey it is what it is.
 
i guess i think…ok, now what??
it’s like i gave myself a year to succeed…and then…whatever.
 
what i envisioned last year…is not where i am today.
in some aspects i am well ahead of anywhere i thought i’d ever be
and then in other ways…i feel a little behind.
everything balances out…and i am perfectly fine with where i am
 
i know i have been serious since day one.
i was on a mission and there was no room for failing.
i do not have an off button, so if my sights are set on something…there is no stopping me.
i am like that in everything i do.  if i want something…i go until i get it.
if i lack interest…meh…i can’t be bothered.
i am like that with things i do and with people in my life.
if i love you…you know it…if i don’t…you know it too lol
 
what the hell is the point of this blog anyways?
 
i guess i am just being reflective.
a whole year (almost) has flown by at warp speed.
and although i was committed from the get go…i feel like i really started stepping things up half way through the year (i am specifically speaking about working out)
 
and so the year anniversary is almost here…
just over a week away.
i guess it feels like a closure…and i must remind myself that it so is not.
if anything it’s another beginning.
more goals to set, re-evaluate.
another year of firsts.
 
no it’s so not an ending.
this will never end.
it’s the next chapter of this journey.
and perhaps this too is what makes me anxious.
 
i look at myself and feel things i never felt about myself before
i am proud of me
getting dressed in the morning is no longer depressing and a struggle
i’ve changed in ways i never thought was possible.
the biggest thing being the gym.  wanting to go to the gym, wanting to push myself, wanting to feel the burn
this was not me for 30 some odd years…and now this is me…the real me.
 
maybe that’s the thing.
i am so different now. i’ve changed so much…
i wonder if those i haven’t seen for a long time would even recognize my insides, never mind my outsides!
 
cause that’s one thing i learned
transformation isn’t only physical.  it’s internal.
it changes you mind set, it changes your soul.
and you slowly become that someone you were always intended to be.
 
and i love the gradual, slow paced changes
i love every part of this…even the times i am so deflated and discouraged
that i become a puddle on the floor.
because i learn
and my lord the things i have learned
that’s it…just wanted to write it out lol
 
if you have read this far…i thank you

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5 thoughts on “thinking thoughts

  1. elizabethfrank123

    When one door closes another one opens, you are right to think of this as another beginning, let us all know if/when you set some more goals 🙂

    Reply
  2. Maxine's Daughter

    yeah, darlin’ “life is what happens when you are making other plans”…anymore i just kinda go with the flow and pay attention at the same time…I did my usual walk (2 mi) and stopped at the Y and did 3 sets on 8 machines….a little sore, but a start….everyday I do it becomes more of a habit and YES I enjoyed it as well as checking out the other patrons fitness levels. Oh voyeurism, if I didn’t have that plus some great fantasy, I would not have much of a life. I quit waiting for the Knight in Armor and decided to save myself.

    Reply
  3. Susan

    You answered your own questions, Bee. Life tends to be circular—in a good way. You’re seeing the start, and therefore the end, of your own circle….all the good stuff is inside. That was very Zen, wasn’t it?

    In any case, you see to bein a very good space….enjoy it.

    Reply

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