this journey

i saw someone yesterday i hadn’t seen in almost a year.

the last time i had seen her i was at the height of my – whatever you call it.

i was ill, tired, over weight and over all depressed with life as i knew it.
last year seems like a life time ago.
i don’t care who you are…when your whole life feels like shit on a stick, pasting on a fake smile, laughing the loudest in a room..
it’s just a smoke screen that i am sure alot of people can see right through.

i am not ashamed to say my life sucked ass, because as life goes…shit happens.
not all of it was bad mind you…actually i had some amazing, life altering moments…
but within myself was a multitude of negative emotions.

i think back to this time last year….and i don’t even recognize myself
who i was must have been just a figment of my imagination.

this journey has been a blessing.  it has been hard, it has reduced me to tears
it has stripped me naked to make myself brand new.
i’ve shed my old skin and have evolved into someone bigger than life.
it has been easy and life affirming.  it is a road i will never stray from…
the journey is what it’s all about.

i shed more than pounds and poor eating habits.
i took inventory of my whole life.  i got rid of things/people/thoughts that no longer served me.
it was a powerful awakening.

it is still a process.  being comfortable in my own skin.
i think it always will be.  it’s just how i am wired.  i think alot of us are.
even though there is a lot less of me, sometimes it’s hard to rewire your brain.
those on the same journey will understand what i mean by that.

i am in a good place.
scratch that.  i am in a great place.
i am sure i smile more, laugh more…god knows i love life more.
when you have your emotional/mental health in tact…it’s amazing the rewards you reap in life.


so i saw this woman…and her reaction surprised me.
her eyes widened, her jaw literally dropped…and all she said after hugging and kissing me was “holy shit”
she grabbed my waist…squeezed me and said she couldn’t believe how amazing i looked…followed by the standard “not that you never looked amazing before, but you know what i mean”
she then continued on saying i can’t believe how much weight you lost a ton of weight.
that last comment always makes me chuckle…a ton.

i really haven’t lost a ton.  honestly.
i have other blog friends that have lost a ton of weight.  Women who have lost 50-70 pounds
now they deserve a shout out.

yes i have lost weight. but i am just small. small framed,  small boned, small in height…just small.
so a ton to some people is not a ton to me.

and i was stunned for a moment.
because i didn’t expect it.  it’s been a long time since i’ve run into someone i haven’t seen for a while.

i’m sure i blushed
because no matter how much time passes…i still get shy…embarrassed at all the attention being thrown my way…
again…just how i’m wired.

i just wonder if i will ever get used to it.

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7 thoughts on “this journey

  1. ziggy

    YEP, reading my mind again, Bee. It’s been a real spiritual growth spurt for me. I have laid aside a old of old ideas and behaviors that no longer serve in my best interest. I had a “houseguiest from hell” over the holidays that nearly drove ME crazy (because this person really WAS clinically mentally ill). All my tender nurturing could not snap him out of his downward spiral (2 years since I had seen him) – so I sent him on his way. Sad, but I “just don’t DO crazy” anymore. I have become a very sane, mostly blissful, self determined person. peace, Zig

  2. Maria

    Wow. Amen. I could have written these exact words. I will tell you last week I stood next to and behind two different women who at first I didn’t recognize because I was distracted by other stimuli, but when they spoke I immediately recognized them as an old friend and an old hair stylist. The old friend I let get away because when I realized it was her, Bill and I were hurrying to the car in 6 degree weather. I didn’t say anything to the hair stylist…not sure why. But, I stood there thinking, don’t they recognize me? Bill said, “maybe not”. That was an interesting feeling.

  3. Dianedmc

    WOW! Such powerful words, so simply written, You are so talented. That is a prime example of what a publication would/could use for a part time columnist!
    JUST DO IT GIRLFRIEND! Your words could reach so many, and mean so much to more……. (o:

  4. jmjbookblog

    I understand totally, bee. I am very comfortable complimenting other people but as soon as it’s directed towards me I get very uncomfortable. I, too, must be wired that way because I have been like this my whole life…and I’m pretty sure it isn’t going to change! 🙂 P.S. I love your hovercard…you look so cute! 🙂 How’s the baby girl doing? Getting cuter by the day, I’m sure! 🙂


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