sweet slumber

i can’t sleep, but i am so tired.

with everything that happened this morning playing like a horror film in my head
i wonder if i will sleep tonight at all.

it’s nights like these i don’t like nights like these.

my mind is on repeat.  everything is being chewed over and over and over.

one thing leads to another…to another…and all of a sudden the whole worlds issues become my own.

i know, i am rambling.

i worked out tonight.  i had such a headache but could not sit still in my own skin.
i needed to move…i needed to do anything and everything but just sit and be stagnant.
maybe a work out would leave me thought free for 45 minutes.

i am pretty sure i had a good work out – truth is i barely remember going through the motions
one minute i was starting and the next it was over…my body covered in sweat…
i fell into the shower and the tears just wouldn’t stop.

today was just so unexplainable.

everything was normal.
and then the next minute…there was nothing normal about the day.

one moment Cody was bouncing around, happy…normal
and literally the next minute she was on the ground…gone.

it makes no sense to me.


and so i am wide awake chewing and mulling and missing.

sometimes a girl doesn’t care about eating what’s best and doing the best for her body
sometimes a girl just wants to be

but oddly enough all i want to do is throw myself in to some physical exertion…
just keep moving…non stop

i’m afraid falling into this funk that i feel would be counterproductive.

a friend told me tonight…one day i will be grateful that Cody took the decision from our hands and left on her own.
i know that day will come.
it’s just today is so not that day.

i won’t lie…a nice big bowl of anything carb related would be wonderful right now.
but i won’t.

i’ve lost 3 furbabies in the past 14 months.
there is something so not right about that.
actually i put Ben down 14 months ago tomorrow…

like i’ve said before…..some people have children, me?  i got my furbabies.

hope you guys are all in la-la land and sorry for my rambles.

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11 thoughts on “sweet slumber

  1. jamie

    Nope, today is not that day. You do whatever you need to do for you right now. If that means working out like a damn fool then do it. It it means having a few extra cookies, then eat the cookies. I know what it’s like when something starts playing that loop in your mind and you can’t find the “off” switch no matter how much you fumble around looking for it. I can’t even tell you how much I l-o-v-e that pic of Cody ❤

  2. jmjbookblog

    Knowing what you are going through brought back memories of my own ‘furbabies’…even years after their loss I still cry when I see their ornament pictures on my Christmas tree…but placing them there seems to let them know they will never ever be forgotten…crying was the only release for me…I really believe it is a physical release of emotional stress. I couldn’t stop thinking about what you are going through last nigh – I posted just one line on my blog …”HOPE – Healing of Painful Experiences”. My thoughts and prayers are with you…I know Cody is up in heaven meeting my Shandi Rose and Brandy and all the other beloved pets of those who have suffered so great a loss…having absolute faith that they await us is one of my happiest visions of heaven. 🙂

      1. jmjbookblog

        yes, bee, I do. Perhaps putting an ornament on your tree for each of your pets will help you feel closer to them and the fact that they are still, and always will be, very near to you. 🙂 Take care and feel better. 🙂

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