girl in the mirror

i spent the weekend shopping.
if you know me in real life, you would understand what torture that is for me.
i was not born with that shopping gene that most women are born with….
i am not a typical girl.  in any way…..
i dislike going to a mall.  i honestly think i would rather watch paint dry.
it’s painful for me.  i become bitchy bee in 1.2 seconds flat.
i hate crowds, dressing room mirrors…and typically most people at the mall.
true story.
actually…the only time i don’t mind shopping is when i am shopping for my niece.  now that’s fun.

if you have been following my journey…you know that a shopping trip was in order
quite frankly it was a necessity.
i could not go to work another day looking like a bag lady.  it’s quite embarrassing.

and so shopping i went.
you would think that people in retail would not look at me like i had 3 heads when asked if they had a petite section.
you would be amazed at how many people do not know the definition of petite when it comes to clothing.
i need to buy petite clothing.
petite has nothing to do with the size of my waist.  if i was 300 pounds or 100 pounds…i would need petite.
i am short.  reaaaalllly short.  I have not grown since i was 13!
i am all of 5’1, and so regular pants do not fit me.
finding petite is a mission that i generally do not have patience for.

i struggled all day Saturday at the mall.  didn’t find one item of clothing.
i decided to step into one last store on my way to the parking lot…where there was success
one pair of pants and 2 tops.

but that wasn’t enough.
so Sunday was day two of shopping.

i was very lucky on Sunday.  i found petite sections in each store i went to.
i found pants that fit me length wise.

there were several revelations this weekend as i stood in the dressing room.
i am still sitting in awe as i type this.

the first one is how not uncomfortable i was trying on clothes and looking in the mirror.
i haven’t felt that way in over 5 years.
see, people can tell you over and over that you have lost weight…and you can see it…sort of…i mean i know i have lost weight
but i don’t think it ever properly sinks in until it’s sitting there staring you right in the face…in those god awful dressing rooms.

i gravitated towards the size i was…oh maybe 4-5 months ago.
i picked up a pair of pants and put them against my waist…
i am not too sure why.  i don’t know what my thinking was.  perhaps it’s a bit of denial…perhaps it’s that fear of being disappointed in trying something on..and it being too small.  perhaps just habit.  i don’t know.  i am still thinking that one through.

i stood in the dressing room…with a pair of pants in my hand…in a size i have never been in my adult life.
i was afraid to put them on…because…i dunno…i really didn’t think they would fit.
they looked so small.
i put them on…and they were a perfect fit.

i stood there just staring at myself.
i felt that familiar lump in my throat and the tears threatened to spill over…i literally had to catch my breath and focus my eyes.
i did not recognize the girl in the mirror.
the girl everyone else saw…but me.
there she was staring back at me…and i finally saw what everyone else sees.
i am tiny.
it was overwhelming, it was huge…it was and still is a moment i cannot put into words.
i finally saw myself the way everyone else did.
all this time…i was still that girl from 6 months ago…with limited achievements…slow progress…so much more to lose.  disappointed.
but in that mirror…i was so far from that girl.  i was accomplished, victorious, successful.
just wow.

i learned a very long time ago that my worth was not based on the size of pants i wore,
what the tag said.
i know what matters most is who i am…and not what the number on the inside of my pants reads.
i get that…

it’s going to take some getting used to…this body of mine…
i’ve never been one to take compliments comfortably…so as of late i’ve felt very uncomfortable in my own skin.

i should be proud of me…and i am proud of me.  big time. but, still….this is all so very new and weird to me.

now can i talk to you about sizes for a moment cause i am really confused.

say for example, i started off as a size 12, and now i am a size 8.  have i dropped 2 sizes or have i dropped 4 sizes?

cause remember those pants i looked so absolutely amazing in???  my sexy pants post???
that’s the difference in me…i’ve dropped 4 sizes (or is it two)
holy crap batman!
No, i won’t say what size i am on here.  i find people get offended for some unknown reason.

i have so much more to say about this…about how i am feeling
but feel that it is much too personal to put here.
this whole experience has brought out so many different emotions and realizations in me
that i just don’t think here is the appropriate place to address them.
i am gonna mull and chew next door…cause there’s a lot going on inside of me at the moment.

i feel so amazing…and feel so overwhelmed all in the same breath.

i am smaller than i was 5 years ago.  i am the smallest i have ever been in my whole adult life.
there’s alot going on in me right now.

thanks for reading my rambles 🙂

happy Monday kids (do u know i typed happy Friday at first?  talk about wishful thinking!!!!)

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1 thought on “girl in the mirror

  1. thypolarlife

    Good for you! I can sympathize with the shopping for pants part. I am 5’2 and have a really difficult time finding pants that fit me properly. I am short. I know it and I know that I am not the only short person in this world so why can’t I find pants for me?

    LOL. I have to laugh about it.

    Thanks for sharing!


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