melt down

this weekend wasn’t what i had thought it would be.
i should really rephrase.  i had an awesome weekend…
perhaps too good if that’s even possible!

sunday evening found me really angry, really sad
and ultimately just worn down and disappointed in myself.

i am not too sure if this is the right platform for me
not sure if i am able to write it all out here…maybe that’s just something for the blog next door.

i just think some deep, emotional lessons were learned in a very short span of time.
maybe “learned” isn’t the right choice of words…perhaps the things i have always known just resurfaced
and gave me the opportunity to revisit a whole slew of emotions i really just didn’t want to.

they left me feeling really vulnerable and naked.

i can handle being angry at someone else, blaming someone else.
but when you are angry at you
it’s just a coat of shame that doesn’t fit well.

the bottom line is that i had a brief melt down.
i wallowed in my disappointment.  i beat myself up.
elle bee followed behind and picked all the pieces up and helped me put them back together again.

being a perfect version of myself is hard.  a lot harder than the expectations of other people.
and if you know me at all…you would know that i am a total perfectionist.
i know what i am capable of.  i am capable of great things when i am dedicated.
i let go this weekend.
and ultimately let myself down.

i am done with the pity party.
i have picked myself up and dusted myself off.
today is a new day.

i have a lot of work to do this week
but that’s ok….i can do it.
either shit or get off the pot bee…
i just can’t have my cake and eat it too…

i am solely responsible for every decision i make
and therefore take full blame where it’s due
and that’s ok…
melt down is officially over

ya can’t cry over spilled milk
can’t undo what’s been done.
it is what it is…
and what it is…is Monday.  a new day, a fresh start.
as in true bee fashion…i am gonna kick Monday’s ass!!!

thanks for reading…i am sure none of this made sense
but hey….it made me feel worlds better

“i’ll be alright, once i find the other side of someday” – sara bareilles

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