grief and facing my fears

my mind is busy so there is no telling where this blog is going…i warn you it may be long.

i went for my first solo walk last night, i can’t remember the last time i did that.
i mapped out my route in my head and figured i would be walking an hour.  i was pretty bang on.  i walked for 55 min.
where i was hugely off was what my pedometer would read when i was done.  i thought it would be no effort hitting 10,000 steps…i hit just under 6000.
i’ll try not to beat myself up too much…at least that gives me something to aim for next time.
so i am not too sure how i did, meaning how many calories i burned etc…but i do know that i felt amazing when i got back home…for several reasons.

something has changed in me since i took my solo trip this summer.  like something clicked inside me and finally made me realize that life is short…and that the time i have is precious.  i mean you always “know” this…but this feeling within me…it was like a new turning point.  that’s the only way i can explain it.  i just want to live.  i don’t want to be stagnant.  ever.

Many moons ago…in my first year of college, i was walking home from work and was grabbed from behind.  i didn’t see it coming.  this guys hands were struggling with my pants…
i always walked home from work with my pepper spray in hand.  i felt safe that way.  people called me paranoid.  i guess i wasn’t so paranoid after all.
i managed to spray him in the face and got away.
and so began a slow growing fear of walking alone.  as long as i had the pepper spray i still felt safe.  once that was gone…so was my security.
the older i got…the more my fears manifested…into these ugly…things…that governed how i lived my life.

not any more.  i refuse to feel caged.  and so i went.  by myself.
i won’t lie.  my anxiety was high.  i had my cell phone and my house keys between my fingers.  i was overly aware of my surroundings.  i went against my whole character and made zero eye contact with anyone who passed me by.  i did not want to encourage conversation and i certainly did not want any attention brought to me.
i was out there to get some exercise…and i was out there to reclaim my life.
i did it.
i kept a quick pace for these little legs of mine.  i only stopped at major intersections for red lights…and of course when i saw the cutest little bunny ever.
how could i not stop!
i tried to befriend him…but he was a little tease…letting me get close and then hopping far enough away where i couldn’t touch him.
good thing i guess.  had he paid me an ounce of attention i probably woulda tucked him in my pocket and taken him home.

my mind is always on…never off.  taking a walk gave me lots of time to think of a million things.
mostly my mamma.
i put her down 3 weeks ago yesterday.  i miss her so much.  the house is so quiet.
to some people…grief over an animal is a hard thing to grasp.  and so i keep my grief to myself…because it feels like i should have been over it…oh a couple of days after it happened.
but i’m not.  16 years of having her in my life.  of course a part of me feels empty.
god i miss her.
i don’t need a therapist to tell me that i have been keeping so busy so i don’t have a moment to sit still and feel that pain.  i get that.
i am keeping busy…doing the things i enjoy…and actually enjoying those moments…alot.  like i said…this has been the best summer of my life.
but i guess i am just not ready to sit still.
and that’s ok.

cause i wanna walk…i wanna reclaim…i wanna live.  and i’d like to think she’d want that for me too.

and so that’s my story.

i went for a walk last night.  by myself.
Might not seem like a big deal to anyone else…but for me…
i feel like i conquered the world…and i guess i kinda sorta did.

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