broken

i have nothing witty or sarcastic to blog about today.
if you are looking for inspiration or motivation, sadly you have entered the wrong blog.
i’m not in the mood to be funny or stupid….
i just sit here broken.

yesterday we put down our resident cat…Mamma.
Mamma blessed my life for 16 years.  Yesterday was one of the hardest days of my life.
I’m hesitant to discuss the depth of my emotion on such an open platform.  there are people who just don’t understand the love between a human and the pet that owns them.
some people have children.
me?
i have my furbabies.
and i feel so broken.

Mamma claimed my heart in my 2nd year of college…
she was with me for most of my whole adult life.
she was the one who took care of me when i had surgery…laid on my chest and growled at any one who came near me.
she would curl herself up against my head in bed if i was unwell or sad
and she would tell me stories the moment i would walk through the door.
and that purr…she was a motor…there was nothing like her purr.

i feel like i have lost so much.
she represented so much.
she was so much
and i am so broken.

she fought until the very absolute end..and even at the end…she fought some more.
she didn’t want to die.
physically, she was ready to go.  she was ready to let go…however i was not.  But i guess it’s not all about me now is it.

so no…i haven’t fit in a work out…i’m surprised i’ve even eaten…
but i know that this too shall pass.  i will come back…and i will be me.  but i think my heart just needs to hurt right now.

i will leave you with this…cause i gotta be me…
in my sadness…my total grief…i cheated.
i had ONE fry.  yup.  one.
it’s a bad day when i don’t even know how to comfort eat
it’s a sad, sad day in bee world
i literally just lost my best friend…

and i am broken.

here is one of the last pictures i took of her…my little poser


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2 thoughts on “broken

  1. jamie

    I hear you, Bess. There is a gaping hole, a wound left in our heart when we lose someone with whom we’ve spent every day for the last 16 years. There’s no fixing it, no making it go away. It will always be there- but it will go from a gaping wound to a scar, then one day you’ll realize when you think of Mamma that you think of nothing but the good memories. You will only remember the pain of yesterday if you try really hard. Trust me on this one. I’m so sorry for your loss, my friend.

    xoj

    Reply
  2. slovie64

    you poor, poor dear. I went through the same thing a year ago, having to put my beloved cat to sleep. It was hard to say good-bye to her one last time and hear her meowing as we left the exam room. I am crying now just writing about it.

    Death sucks, but time heals. It will hurt for a while. Keep your chin up and know there are folks that know exactly what you are feeling.

    Reply

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