smoke and mirrors

I wish the 17 year old me was sitting in front of the computer this morning blogging.

I am not too sure where this post is going, but my random brain is working at an incredible speed..saying write biotch write!
And so write I shall.

When I was in my teens…I thought I was fat.  Not just fat but I thought that I was the biggest, most unattractive thing that existed.

True story.

Let me tell you that at 18ish, probably until I was 19-20…I weighed 90 pounds soaking wet.

90 pounds people.

Talk about looking like the walking dead…so very unhealthy…I am surprised that I was able to walk upright….or even walk at all really.

On the one hand it doesn’t really surprise me…teenage girls go through these kinds of things…dying to be thin and perfect…cause you know that perfection is measured by how thin you really are…can I get an eye roll please.

I look at pictures of my 17 year old self, rockin a bikini…flat belly…perky boobs…hard thighs…and wonder what the hell I was smoking!  Where’s the fat???
If I could talk to that girl I’d say “self…snap the hell out of it and shut yer whining”

Fast forward to my adult years.  Let me say…to the shock of some of my closest friends reading this…I have never been truly fat.  I complain alllll the time that I am fat…but I use the word loosely.  I have been overweight for my height and body type…but I have never been fat.  Ok…there was one time….

6 years ago I hit a rock bottom of sorts.  I was fat.  Fat for me.  I had never ever been the size that I was then.  So I would sit and cry about it as I wolfed down potato chips and beer.

I had a couple of health issues at the time…and pretty much faced emergency surgery for both, 4 weeks apart.  For some reason the one issue had caused me to gain an excessive amount of weight…even though I was eating like a bird.  I was super sizing before my very eyes at warp speed.

Surgery out of the way…recovery complete…bring out the big guns…I was bringing sexy back.

That was the first time I turned to low carb.  I had gained 40 pounds while going through my health issues.  40 pounds on a 5’1 frame is not attractive at all.  In 3 months…it was gone.  Poof… like magic.  I won’t lie.  It was easy then.  So unbelievably easy.  I didn’t even have to work out!

I didn’t see much of a difference when I looked in the mirror though.  In that mirror I was still chunky, fat bee.  I saw rolls and fat and all these imaginary things.

When people would compliment me on my weight loss I would feel very uncomfortable and not know what to say.  In my head…I was still 40 pounds heavier. 

I would walk into stores and literally buy clothing that I would have bought months before…size wise, cause there was no way in hell I was fitting into the tiny ones.
But I did.  And every time I would put on something small I would be shocked.

I didn’t know how to live in my new body.

I remember being at my doctors office, for a follow up from surgery.  He asked if I was ok, anything unusual going on…and I told him….my butt hurt.
I was so embarrassed.  He asked me to show him where…and I pointed at my tail bone.  He laughed at me and said, “bee, you’ve lost 40 pounds…you have no cushion left”
Things like that…just always floored me.

My European (and stunningly gorgeous) mother…who has no problem going waaaay outta her way to tell me I am fat as she cooks up a storm for me…even told me to stop losing weight.  I even went braless!!!  These girls haven’t been braless…umm…ever!

I never saw that girl…the way everyone else did.  It made me very uncomfortable to be called skinny, tiny…petite.
But I was!

Somewhere along the way…I gave up that life style.  I thought it was safe to go back to how I was eating.  Talk about vain.

I would yo-yo.  Go low carb…then high carb. Back and forth.
And now this time around, it’s harder.  It’s a lot harder to lose weight as fast.  And as good as “fast” is…I don’t mind slow and consistent.

After all…it’s a life style thang.

But still…when people look at me and call me skinny…I don’t see it. Cause I really don’t feel it…and know I am not there yet.  Yet being the operative word.

Oh to be 17 again.  I’d kill for boobs like that!

Talking about boobs…you can totally see my bra through my shirt today.  I gotta stop getting dressed in the dark people.  I am sure my coworkers would appreciate that.


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