Monthly Archives: May 2010

week 11 – let’s talk about goals

I am entering into week 11.  wow.

I am finally starting to feel like my self after that whole cheat with pizza thing. Amazing that it took a week for my body to feel “normal”  Kinda sad, cause it feels like it’s been a week wasted.

Anyways…it’s over and my body is back on track.

I’ve had some interesting conversations as of late.  People are asking me how serious I am about my goals and how do I actually set goals if I don’t even use a scale, or measuring tape to measure my success.

Personally I don’t think you need the scale or tape to measure your success or failures.

Sometimes they are great motivators if you see the numbers going down…but sometimes when the numbers don’t move I think it could be a killer.

If you don’t see numbers going down…you may be tempted to throw in the towel and go back to the behaviours that landed you here in the first place.

I am serious about my goals and my intentions.  I also know my personality and adding a scale and measuring tape into the mix is a recipe for disaster.

My clothes are my measuring tape.  I go by how they fit.  My size 4’s are big, and they used to be snug.  Success.
My success will be measured when I go to my doctor for my annual check up and he tells me that everything is normal (knock on wood)
My goal is to get through an hour of working out without thinking I am gonna hack up a lung.

I think these are realistic goals, and I see no reason why I will not succeed.

My goal was to rock a bikini.  I have 21 days to reach that goal. Today it’s feeling possible.  Today I think I am totally gonna rock a bikini.  Tomorrow could be different…but today is a good day.

21 days baby!  I cannot wait!!!!

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randomly bee

Ever since I can remember, I have had to eat my food a certain way.
What do you call that?  Crazy maybe? Lol
Food presentation apparently is quite important to me.
I never realized how anal I was about this until I got older…

Anyways, back to my random thought.

I don’t like it when my food touches on my plate.  If for example I am having chicken and salad…I would very much prefer that the two did not touch.
Don’t ask me why…’cause I haven’t figured it out yet.

The lady that works in my cafeteria is lovely.  She’s a funny, European lady that clearly enjoys feeding us…and perhaps enjoys fattening us up a little bit.

Every time I order my food, she goes out of her way to pile my plate with food.  Not that I mind.  Everytime I tell her “enough” it’s like she doesn’t even want to hear me!
Yes…most people would think this is awesome…and I truly adore her for this


What this means is that my food is meshed in with eachother…like a Dijon mustard sauce from my chicken is all over my salad…or like today my lemon dill sauce for my salmon was all over my salad.  Or my salad on top of my meat etc….you get what I am saying.

My coworkers find this rather amusing.  They know how I feel about my food touching and I didn’t realize how often I physically react when it happens.  I actually gasp and cover my mouth or scrunch my face…saying “ok that’s enough thank you”

I have found myself separating my food right there and then…my cafeteria lady giving me a look like I’m a weirdo.  I mean what’s a girl to do?  I can’t…just cannot leave it like that.  Surely I would die.

I don’t ever say a thing….because I don’t want to offend anyone…but honestly, sometimes when I see my food mish mashed all together like that…I tend to lose my appetite.
I didn’t say it wasn’t weird…I’m just telling you how it is!

Another totally random food thought??

I notice that I tend to eat the stuff I am not so crazy about first…and save my favourite part of the meal for last.
That’s kinda ass backwards no?
Cause when I get filled up…I tend to leave behind my favourite part of the meal because I was too busy eating the stuff I didn’t really like.

I am an odd bee…and I am ok with that.

What are your weird food things?

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fat days

We all have them
Some more than others.

It’s kinda funny.  What people see when they look at us, is not what we see in the mirror when we look at ourselves.

People don’t see your squishy rolls…or your dimpled butt…but you sure as hell do.
Imagined or not…you see it.

Sometimes it just doesn’t matter if your clothes are looser…your face is thinner…sometimes when you stand there…facing that mirror nekkid…it’s enough to make you fall to your knees in utter disgust and cry “oh god why me, why me!!’ lol

I have learned that I am my own worst critic.  I am sure most people are.

Is there a time that we will be 100% completely and totally content with everything that we are…flawed and all?
I highly doubt it.

There is always room to improve…to get better.  Better skin, tighter butt, 6 pack abs…you get the gist.
I will never be perfect no matter how hard I try (shocker I know!!!!! But true)Oddly enough I am ok with that.
I want to be comfortable in my skin, I want to feel healthy and look healthy…

I have a very obsessive personality…if you haven’t figured that out.  Hence, why I have a blog just about food and health.  I’m here to be the best I can be.

But today kids is a fat day.  I hate fat days.  I blame the pizza.
Pass me the water.

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For the past two weeks I was debating whether I would have a “planned cheat”

I didn’t torture myself over making a decision, but it was something I had to think about.  Did I want to cheat?  Was I strong enough to have one “bad” meal and not get cravings for more bad things?  Would I beat myself up after?

I had to see if the end result was worth the 20 minutes of complete bliss.

I went away over the weekend.  I fell in love with a city that is not too far from where I live and decided to go back.  It had been 2 years since I had been there and I felt like I was long over due for a mini vacation.

Anywho…there is a pizzeria there that I fell in love with.  I had never had pizza like that in my life!

It’s a small little family run pizza place that has been there for 35 years and has built up quite the little reputation.

Could I actually travel that distance and not have their pizza?
I decided to stop having these conversations in my head and figure it all out when I was there.

I was emotionally and mentally prepared for the possible havoc a cheat would have on me.  I also knew that it was not the end of the world…and the chances of it ruining all my hard work these past 10 weeks was pretty much impossible.

If I still wanted pizza when I got there…then I would have it.  No biggie.

And so I got there…and my lord I still wanted it!  Lol

So we went for pizza.  I was like a kid in a candy store, counting down the minutes ‘till it would arrive at our table and take up residence in mah belly!!

I’m not gonna lie.  It was ok….well it was pretty good.  But it was not anything like I remember it being.  It didn’t move heaven and earth.  I am in no way insulting this place…cause I would definitely give it a go again…

But it wasn’t the highlight of my time away.  I could’ve been fine not eating the pizza.  I didn’t leave there satisfied or pleased.  I left there disappointed.  Disappointed in myself…not the restaurant.

I guess in a way I got the pizza craving out of my system.  
I am trying really hard to have no regrets.

I am proud of myself that it didn’t set me off and that I didn’t talk myself out of all the hard work I have done…cause we all know pizza is the devil lol

I did however feel like crap after.  My belly hurt and I was soooo very tired.  I slept it off like a major hangover.

Good news?  It was just the one cheat.  The next day I had no desire to continue riding the carb train.  

I apparently do have some self control!!

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a little rant if u don’t mind

I didn’t realize the way I ate affected so many people.

Last time I checked, this was my body…and if anyone knows what works for me…it would be me.  Oh…and my doctor…who fully supports me and encourages me.

I have a low carb lifestyle.  Not  a no carb lifestyle….as many many people seem to believe.  That would be virtually impossible…no carbs.  I would be the walking dead.

For some reason when people think low carb…they assume that I am bathing in butter and bacon grease.
Let me be clear that no “diet” would condone that kind of eating.

I am just so tired sometimes of the looks and the comments I get.

My awesome cafeteria lady still looks at me funny when I go cash out and I have a burger without a bun, or if I choose to eat my meat and salad and pass on the scalloped potatoes.

By people trying to encourage me to eat…potatoes,…chocolate bars…you are not doing me any favours, and most importantly you are not respecting me.
The saying…one bite won’t hurt does not hold true in this case.

This is not soley a weight loss goal.  This is a way of life.  This is for my health first and foremost.  The fact that my pants are getting bigger is just the bonus.  The cheese on my burger if you will 🙂
Asking me to eat or just try a bite of something is like asking an asthmatic to take a drag of a smoke….an alcoholic to have just one sip, a diabetic to just eat a piece of cake.

I am not going to eat the food at your table to be polite, when you go ahead and make the very foods you know I can’t eat.  It’s not about being polite.  It’s about respecting my choices.  If I refuse your potatoes, I do not mean to insult you.

And finally….

Who are you to lecture me about my eating?  What about my plate looked unhealthy?  Was it my chicken breast with a side salad that threw you off?  How is your choice of fries and gravy and a burger a better…more healthy food choice??  And why do you feel the need to insult my choices?

Most times I let these things slide off my back.  I really do.  But sometimes I just get fed up like the rest of the human population.

Thanks you for listening…as you were 😉

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thoughts become things???

I should be careful what I write about.

All that talk about emotional/stress eating…I can’t help but feel that I brought it on myself.
You know…the whole throw things out into the universe and you’d be surprised at what comes back.

Now if I could only use that to my advantage and miraculously have the universe send me a million bucks…that would be fab.

I had just put my lunch tray on the table and was ready to eat my scrumptious yum yums (pork loin and steamed veggies) when I got the call from Elle Bee.

Elle Bee took our resident cat in for some minor maintenance…after all she is 16.  Anyways Elle Bee called and told me in a nutshell…that this tumour that the cat has is cancerous…and needs to be removed.  We are looking at over 1000.00.
Appetite??  Gone.

I should also mention that we put our other cat Ben down 7 months ago.  The total of that bill…almost 4 grand.  So…I need another vet bill like I need a hole in my head.
I took a few bites of my lunch and threw the rest of it away.  Stress.  It makes me so not hungry.

So then I got to thinking about how sad I would be without Mamma (the cat)…I wondered if she were in pain…how she was feeling…and I became this emotional sappy mess..sitting in my car crying.

I wanted to eat…and I wanted lots of bad things…salty carbolicious things.

I did as well as I could.

It was wings and beer for dinner last night.  Mm mm goodness.
Yeah I know wings aren’t the best…but they certainly aren’t the worst.  And to be fair…the beer was low carb…

It was just what I needed.

Now if someone can lend me a thousand bucks I’d really appreciate it. Anyone?

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randomly bee

For the past 9 weeks my cravings for “bad” foods have been almost non existent.  I can probably count on one hand how many times I wanted something I shouldn’t.

You know…a burrito from Burrito Boys, a big ass bag of Lays regular chips and of course that one day where everyone around me ate a sweet and spicy thai stir fry (that one was hard)

So…I think I have handled myself quite well.
*pats self on back*

I’ve never been a sugar girl.  It’s a very rare occasion where I will crave anything sweet.  My devil is salty goodness.

I am an emotional eater.  When I am feeling sad and defeated I just want to eat.  I don’t even have to be hungry. 
Comfort eater.

Most often I crave stuff I ate as a kid….stuff that my mom would make me to make me feel better.

Those are the hardest times.

Granted, it’s been quite some time since I’ve gone through a slump like that…thank god.  

When I am stressed I can’t eat.  Nadda.  The smell and look of food literally makes me ill.  I am talking about extreme stress…not day to day.

Of course the side effects of that are losing weight…but it’s not healthy…and it’s not the way I want to be.
Talk about doing a number on your metabolism.

I am learning…every day I am learning about what suits me and what works for me.

I know without a doubt that the scale is off limits.  I cannot allow a number to dictate my life.  I refuse to allow the number on the scale to be the deciding factor of what my day is going to be like.
I go by my clothes, my energy.
I learn to listen to my body…if it’s truly hungry, or if I am just bored.
I’ve learned what foods make me energetic and sustain me…and what foods make me sick.

This isn’t easy…but it certainly is not as hard as I thought it would be.  
There’s a message board I go to, and someone wrote something that made total sense to me….and it’s so true

“Losing weight is hard, being fat is hard.  Pick your hard”

That’s all I got today kids.  My body aches from head to toes…I’ve discovered muscles I never knew I had!

Have a good one.

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Well, I finally did it.

I did not talk myself out of working out last night.  Every fibre of my being tried, but I have 32 days left until it’s bikini time…and really…I have no room left to change my mind.

Procrastination is not my friend.

If I have done my calculations correctly, it seems I have been a couch potato for approximately 2 months.  

Two months!!!

My how time flies by when you are procrastinating.

So I got home last night and went straight to the dvd player and turned it on.  It didn’t work.  Somewhere inside my fat self I breathed a sigh of relief and looked forward to throwing on my fat pants.

No worries, Elle Bee to the rescue once again (pffft)

She fixed it….and suddenly I had no excuse left.

I sucked it up and got into my work out gear.
My intentions were to do the full work out.  I only managed half.

I am not going to beat myself up over that though, considering it’s been about 2 months, my body is all new to this.

Tonight…I will try again.

Either way…a little bit of working out is better than no working out at all right?

I heard somewhere that muscle has memory.  So why do my muscles seem to forget how much they hurt when I first started working out?
I do not need this kind of painful reminder!!!

Meh, s’ok…I’m kinda weird that way.  I like the pain.  Makes me feel accomplished you know?

No pain no gain….

32 days until bikini time.  I am not quitting now.

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i suffer from this.

it is an embarrassing yet easily correctable syndrome.

it’s not something i easily share, but i am not oblivious to the hushed whispers and giggles behind my back.
i hang my head in shame.

S.A.S my friends, stands for Saggy Ass Syndrome.

let me be clear…it’s not my actual ass that sags, yet the pants that house said ass.

Apparently when i lose weight…one of the first places it leaves is my butt.  My butt and my stomach.

It may sound like i am complaining.  Perhaps a small part of me is…but really I am not.

I am just at that point, where my clothes aren’t fitting right.  My work clothes especially.
it makes me feel unkempt and frumpy…like a big ol’ bag lady.

I refrain from talking about this with my friends…especially my coworkers (you know who u are)
because all they do is make fun of me…they have no sympathy for me and my dilemma
i get the poor you, you are losing weight…we feel sorry for you shpeel

Let me be clear…i am not complaining about losing weight.  i actually do the happy dance in my head over it every single day.
the problem i have is that i financially cannot afford a new wardrobe…
and so i deal with what i have….and put on my saggy ass pants one leg at a time just like everyone else

meh…i have the perfect excuse to go shopping…and i can’t
now if that doesn’t suck as much as having a saggy ass…i just don’t know what does.

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good intentions

I am full of ‘em.

I was supposed to start working out on Monday. I say “start” because apparently my body preferred to do anything but work out this past month.
I guess it figured it was eating healthy…and that I could slack.
I must say, I got home on Monday after work and immediately turned on my dvd and was ready to go. The dvd wasn’t working. I fiddled with it abit and nothing. I really didn’t try that hard. So instead of getting into my work out clothes…I grabbed my comfies and threw ‘em on. Elle Bee came to my rescue and fixed it…so there was no reason I couldn’t give it a go on Tuesday.
During the day I am totally pumped and can’t wait to get home and work out. Come 3 o’clock it’s a totally different story. I have hit my wall…and all I want is my bed. During the drive home I successfully talk myself out of all of the reasons why I should…and by the time I get home, all the reasons I shouldn’t work out make sense. Lol
Talk about self sabotage.
I’ve been tired these past couple of days…you know…girly reasons. So that is my excuse for this week.

But I gotta get off my ass (literally)

On Monday I finally booked my trip!!! Yes I did!! There is no turning back now. In just over a month I will be frolicking on white sand, and dipping my bikini clad body in the ocean water. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity…literally. I will never have this opportunity again…and so…this means the world to me. Besides…I really need a vacation.
So you would think this is motivation enough right? I thought so too. So why am I still sitting on my ass.
I mean I am eating very clean…I have no cravings for crap at all…although I would give my first born child for just one sweet and spicy thai stirfry. Sigh.
But I digress.
I am doing good. I am doing really good actually. I have lost quite a bit of weight and am feeling much better about myself. However, I am not 17 anymore…hell I am not 25 anymore. My body needs more attention and work.

So my goal is to feel confidant in a bikini. I have just over a month to tone it up. Is it even possible? Well, I am not going to sit on my butt and think about it. I am going to do it.
Not for anyone else but me.
I am gonna rock a bikini…watch me!

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