i am sure you have heard it said before
“the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”
that’s my life
and i think that i finally get it. (that’s still to be determined tho)
when i actually wrote on this blog
i was in the best shape of my life
i felt the best i ever have
but i wasn’t completely honest either
i was exhausted.
i dreaded working out
not all the time. but almost all the time
eventually i lost my way
the working out stopped
and so did the healthy eating
all my hard work for well over a year
was gone in a couple of months
my attitude in life is
go big or go home
and so when i am on a health kick
i am on it
when i fall…
i don’t just fall
i crash and burn
eat what i want…which is always the very thing i shouldn’t be eating
it’s a vicious cycle
last night i was so depressed with myself
my lack of physical activity
i am eating well…but it is very clear to me that i need exercise in my life
and it dawned on me today
why i have been avoiding it like the plague
i can’t just go for a nice half hour walk
a walk for me is a good 10k
5k feels like a failure
i cannot do cardio for 20-25 min if i have a busy day
what’s the point?
i need an hour – an hour and a half
or i feel like i did nothing
i read that and i shake my head
no wonder i’ve been dreading exercise
what’s wrong with starting off with say a 3k walk?
or doing a 20 min work out?
i think i hated working out
because it always took me so long
and i worked my body so hard
although it felt damn good after
it was just not something i could do (physically and emotionally) on a daily basis
so i made a deal with myself this time around
i’d start off slow
and it would be my little secret
i am not training for the iron man
i am not an athlete
i am doing this to feel good about myself
and to be in good shape
for the long haul
that message got lost on me somewhere along the way
i need a life i can keep up with
everything else in life can be hard
this taking care of me thing
it shouldn’t be
today marks one full month of clean eating
i was tired of repeating the same old pattern
eating “bad” foods, then feeling bad about it, so then eat more to self soothe
it’s always the same…and i know better.
but carbs are the devil. i’d give my first born for a bag of chips.
anyway it’s been relatively easy.
i had no problem resisting the birthday cake last weekend
although my mother’s greek lemon potatoes were a tough one.
my body is falling apart.
my body has become one hot mess.
all these new, horrible things started happening…
why? who knows
all i knew was that i had to make some major changes in my life.
i need to detox my body from whatever is slowly killing it
so why not start with my diet.
i have already noticed significant changes
my pants are looser
my boobs don’t bulge out of my bra
i am not as bloated.
hard to say if my energy has increased or not
i get so little sleep and have been under a lot of stress…so i can’t really say.
it doesn’t help that i am just getting over some random 48 hour flu
that had me begging for death.
today i feel great so i decided to cook a nice dinner
i’ve got a shepherd’s pie in the oven.
do you know that i have never made one in my life
never mind a low carb version of it!
so instead of potato i mashed up some cauliflower
2 seconds in to prepping – i sliced my thumb open
i have never seen so much blood.
so i had to wait it out a bit…cause really who wants that in their dinner
it’s in the oven and will be ready any minute.
i hope the blood and mess was worth it.
is a brand new pair of sexy shoes
(my definition of sexy has changed as i have gotten older lol)
last May i went and got fitted for the perfect runners.
i took up running again after 20 years…and my 7 year old runners didn’t cut it
i had some bad shin splintsi mean crying kinda bad.
so i went and bought a beautiful pair of runners.
170 bucks later…i hit the pavement
my legs felt better…but i will still in a lot of pain.
i got to wear them twice…and then life happened.
i was in the middle of buying a house, packing…moving
all that fun stuff.
once i got settled in to the new house…
i sprained my ankle. badly.
i gave up on the idea of running…never mind running. i couldn’t even walk.
almost a year later…and my ankle is still not right.
actually…a whole box of shoes…were missing.
somehow they got lost in the move…
and these beautiful running shoes i just bought.
i was soooooo very sad.
so i could buy a pair of the shoes i lost.i was sooooo happy :)
4 months later…i went and purchased said shoes.
they were last years shoe…and so they were almost 50% off.
i bought my new pair of shoes for $1.70.
seriously…it can’t get better than that.
so now i have the shoes
as you can see, i haven’t had anything to write about in a very long time.
actually that’s a big fat lie. i’ve had a ton to write about, but nothing losingbee related.
and it sucks
let me fill you in since the last post.
pull up a chair, i have a feeling this is going to be a long one.
last i wrote, i had rediscovered my love for running
and then the shin splints happened, and suddenly my love turned into horrible fear.
i would run until i was in so much pain i couldn’t handle it anymore.
i would be far from home and hardly able to walk…i don’t know how i made it home sometimes.
so i bought a pair of extremely expensive runners and insoles…and was ready to try.
i got to go for a run once or twice and my shins felt a little bit better…and then life happened.
i got super busy (and stressed) packing up the last 20 years of my life and moving.
running could wait until that was done.
somehow, during this move…i lost a box of shoes. all fairly brand new pairs of shoes…one pair being my super expensive runners (and my wii. where the hell did my wii go?)
granted, i didn’t know it at the time
because then this happened:
the cider was just for show ;)
they wouldn’t xray it, saying it was just a really bad sprain
fast forward to today…over 4 months later…and it still hurts and it still gets swollen and even walking a fair distance is hard.
me thinks i should go get it checked out again.
and all of these meds came with horrible side effects.
some may argue that moodiness was the worst side effect and my bodacious ta ta’s were the bonus
i would disagree.
then add to this the fact that i quit smoking. it’s been 54 days, 14 hours, 59 minutes and 56 seconds (but really whose counting)
so just imagine. moodiness and quitting smoking
i must be a JOY to be around.
and then there is that amazing cycle so many of us are familiar with.
you feel like crap, you feel like crap for gaining weight, so you eat crap food and then feel even more crappy cause you feel like crap
lather rinse repeat.
and it makes me feel like crap.
i have entered a very new and important chapter in my life.
unhealthy isn’t an option.
i started again.
but maybe it will get stronger as i get stronger
and hopefully thinner
and besides…eating healthy is never a bad thing.
so that’s my news
what’s new with you?
i won’t even go into why i haven’t been here
other than i have been extremely busy with some things…and sedentary with other things
as you can imagine
i am tired of excuses.
not that i am not busy…because i am…
i’ve been struggling to find the time to go to the gym
you know, the one that is two seconds away from my home.
but the truth is…
wait for it…
i don’t like the gym.
the gym feels like a chore.
it doesn’t thrill me or excite me
it makes me dread working out.
i realized i was happiest working out at home or going for my long 5k walks
i realized i am introverted even in my work outs.
i just want to be alone.
i wanted to do something different than just walk…
i enjoy walking but i wanted to push myself more
wanted to burn more calories and feel my body burn
call me weird…but i love that feeling
so i started to run.
if you haven’t read my blog before let me fill you in on why this is a huge deal.
i stopped running many many years ago
dare i say 20?
i used to run.
all the time.
i would wake up at a god awful hour in the morning and go for a run
i loved it.
then i got hit by a car…and it was game over.
i never attempted running again, only because i have been terrified.
see, even sprinting across the street can cause my ankles to lock and make me fall flat on my face.
but something told me to try.
and i did.
i was completely overwhelmed…
it felt amazing, i felt amazing…
am i outta shape? my god yes.
but not for long
and hey, i have yet to fall on my face (give it time, it’s bound to happen…and i am sure in front of a huge crowd of people, cause that’s how i roll)
i have this awesome app on my phone that tells me what to do
when to run and when to walk
i play my awesome music that makes me want to move
i am alone…in my head…
and on my way to getting fit
i can’t walk right now
i can’t get up off the couch without groaning
but it’s a good pain.
a great pain actually.
i can’t wait to get out there again.
i think i found my mojo!
i have a blog – you know – about health and weight loss
let me tell you something.
i’ve been lost.
so very lost
i haven’t seen the inside of the gym since last February, although i see it every single day from the outside.
i’ve had good intentions. honestly.
but truth be told…i’ve been bummed out.
alot has happened…and i let negativity get the best of me.
i’ve been through some serious life changes. lost some people that meant the world to me.
so i decided…not to care.
it wasn’t a conscious decision.
i think it was…
i just couldn’t move.
it was easier to sit on my couch and feel badly.
because it almost felt wrong feeling good.
i’ve maintained pretty well considering.
obviously i’ve gained some weight – and i feel so sluggish and blah it’s unbelievable.
but i still fit into my clothes.
let me tell you something. just because you fit into your clothes – doesn’t mean you should be wearing them.
it’s an all consuming thing…this thing that i am living through.
i hate feeling poorly…and yet i contribute to it daily.
i forget sometimes that i have people in my life that love me unconditionally…just the way i am.
how is it that i let those that love me with conditions affect me more than those that love for exactly who i am?
it’s true…my time is limited. i don’t know where i could possibly fit in the gym these days.
and so it’s easier to just sit here
and feel badly about it.
i have motivation – somewhere in there
i’ve got all the work out dvd’s i could ever want.
and i have good intentions…and a gym right next door.
i’ve let this thing hurt me more than it should.
i’m actually letting it win – by not doing anything about it.
it is what it is…and it’s not going to change.
it’s a new chapter in my life i gotta get used to living.
it’s just hard when people you love – stop loving you.
it changes you.
besides, wordpress renewed my domain without giving me any notice…so i have a year to fill this space up.
so sadly – you are stuck with me.
truth is…i want me back
i want to feel comfortable in my skin again
i want to feel healthy and energetic…and ok.
i’ve let all this crap affect me for way too long – that i can’t use it as an excuse anymore.
i just need help.
just wanted to come here to let you all know – that i am on my way
i am coming back…
if i don’t – evil wins
and i am better than that
better than them.
help me find my mojo?
am i actually blogging???
meh, i don’t blame you.
i’ve been busy. crazy busy. so busy that i’ve let this place go.
let’s see…what’s new
everything and nothing.
the gym has been non existent, the eating has been pretty good…except for the random splurge on weekends.
i did acquire another bundle of joy.
so really – i am getting quite a bit of exercise. i am actually more exhausted these days then when i actually had time for the gym.
i don’t settle in till at least after 8 – and then by 10 – i am walking the critters again. to say i am exhausted is an understatement.
i am sure i am burning a million calories with this heat wave. it is hot over here…you break out in a sweat just breathing.
So for those of you that think Canadians live in igloos – oh think again my friends….think again.
did i mention LB is in a cast with a broken finger?….so yeah things are just insanely busy.
i may just cry things are so busy
i have two more days until i am on vacation. it’s a staycation – but i am so looking forward to it.
so that’s pretty much my news.
what’s new with you?
my life has changed a lot in the past few months.
to actually tell you how it’s changed? well i can’t. lol
i am not too sure what has changed, or why suddenly it feels like i have no time to myself.
i am pretty much go-go-go until the dinner dishes are washed – which is normally well after 7.
by the time i am able to sit and chill – it’s after 8.
by then – i am just dead. absolutely exhausted.
it also seems that that is the only window of opportunity i have to go to the gym.
right after work just doesn’t fit into my life anymore.
i have too much to do and not enough time to do it.
believe me, i’ve looked at different scenarios – and nothing seems to fit.
so i am debating whether i should quit the gym.
for the past few months all i’ve done is pay them.
i could go after 8 – but by that point i’ve checked out…i am so completely done with the day.
i can’t even imagine willingly getting on a cardio machine.
but it seems like that is my only option and one that i am not overly thrilled about.
oh – i know there’s the morning…but i can’t even get out of bed on time for work, never mind waking up at 5 to work out.
it just doesn’t work in my life. me and the morning are not friends.
there is no point in denying that i am just not a morning person.
and so – what to do what to do? do i just cancel the gym – or kick myself in the ass and go after 8?
it takes a lot to get me to smile these days…
but you wanna know what makes me happy?
Dollar Days are back at McDonald’s.
that means i get my iced coffee for a buck.
now that makes me happy. (even though don’t include the large coffees in that – anywaaaays)
but what makes me even more happy than that????
they now have sugar free vanilla flavouring!!!!!
that means that they won’t screw up my order 99.9% of the time!!
i am sitting here sipping on my iced coffee – sugar free iced coffee that is
listening to Sara B’s new album. have you heard it?
and then i am gonna take a nap
all this makes me happy.
click here for some sara lovin’